Birthday Fear

My clock is really loud these past couple of days. It’s digital though. There are no gears. There are no ticks or tocks and there are certainly no bells chiming. But yet, it’s been really loud these past couple of days. 

I suppose it’s loud because my birthday is in 7 days. A week. In one week another 365 days would have passed. It’s tough for someone to think about that. I mean that’s a lot of days. There is a lot of things I have done in those days. But I think what stands out to me most are all the things I have not done. Everything that is going to be unfinished on August 17th. Or even worse, everything that I haven’t started yet! Will I even start those? 

It’s hard to perform self improvement while attempting to perform self reflection. That kind of thing can drive a man right to his death. Then again, if that were to happen that mute clock wouldn’t be so loud. 

So what is so important about another 365 days passing? Is what one accomplishes less significant the more time they have been working at it? Or is it that we are afraid? Afraid that tomorrow our passion will fizzle and sacrifices won’t be made. Or worse yet is this just a temporal fear? Something that comes just as the seasons do. Once in a year and as quickly as it comes it is gone. I think that’s why Hemingway was so fond of bullfighters. They live their lives honest and true. Perhaps not to the people around them or their wives for that matter - but the fear isn’t temporal. It’s a constant fear and as one does with anything that is constant the fear is befriended and it becomes part of our life. 

This year I think fear and I will become fine acquaintances.